A Work in Progress

Grief Relief

Sometime in the next week, a plate filled with home-made chocolate brownies will appear on my front porch. There may or may not be a note, but it won’t matter. I know the identity of the baker.  My neighbor, who drove me to the Emergency Room 12 years ago when my husband suffered a fatal arrhythmia here at home, leaves this gift each May to let me know that she remembers.  Sometimes I carry the plate down to her home to share the brownies and some conversation, and sometimes I choose to reminisce privately.

In a recent conversation, a friend asked me specifically whether she should reach out to a dear friend on the “anniversary” of her mom’s passing.  She confessed to being unsure, and didn’t want to do the wrong thing by either reaching out or not reaching out.  I thought about it a bit. As I just shared, there are times when someone reaching out to me is more welcome than others.

Comforting someone in grief, it seems, can be as individual a journey as experiencing grief.

So, how do you help someone who is grieving?  I’ll try to avoid using the word “don’t” and focus more on the “do” list.

• DO continue to speak about the person who has passed. Use his/her name in general conversation, as you always have.
• Following a similar theme, DO share a personal story/memory.  Whether you are sharing in person or incorporate it into a sympathy note/card:  “I’m so sorry and I don’t know what to say, but I remember when X...”  These are priceless gifts to those who grieve.  Notes with shared memories are welcome on “anniversaries” too.
• DO realize there are no rules for grieving and there is no timetable.
• If you can be the person to whom the grieving person can turn to tell their story over and over, please DO it. It is not easy, and not everyone is able to give this kind of support, but it can be a lifeline.
• DO ask to help in specific ways; “I would like to bring dinner on Tuesday”, “I would really like to have the kids over my house to play on Friday”, “Let’s get together for coffee on Monday” are offers that are so much easier for a grieving person to accept rather than “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
• DO touch!  Especially if the grieving person is a “hugger” – there are times when a touch can provide some comfort when mere words cannot.
• DO realize that a loss carries forward into the future, as the grieving person faces the fact that dreams and plans may go unfulfilled, or become altered.

So, how did I answer my friend when she asked about reaching out to someone on the anniversary of a loss? I gave her this "DO" list, and a recipe for homemade brownies.

Can Love be Calculated in Dog Years?

There is something about looking into the face of an aging dog that gives you a sense that there is gentle wisdom and understanding behind those soulful eyes. Of course, you do have to make yourself forget that this is the same animal that greets others by sniffing in some “personal areas” and has been known to roll around in deer feces and possibly eat a thing or two that should not be digested!  Nevertheless, I look down at the graying muzzle of the 13-year old border collie at my feet, and I celebrate all the things he has brought to my life.  Today is Rusty’s birthday!

It’s been a tough week for dog lovers in Ohio.  Late last week, a tip from a neighbor regarding a foul odor led humane officers in Medina Township to a rather small family home that was housing 119 puppies.  A mother and daughter team will likely face animal cruelty charges after their attempt at breeding got a bit out of hand (ya think?!).

I stopped short of calling to volunteer my time at the Medina shelter which is understandably feeling overwhelmed by this sudden turn of events.  I knew if I stepped foot in that shelter – I would walk back out with at least one dog.  I’ll send a donation instead!  But, I’d been thinking a lot about Rusty’s birthday anyway and while looking at the adorable faces being shown on the local evening news as an enticement, I thought back to those first puppy days. I would never have guessed how important Rusty would become to me.  
 
Rusty was supposed to be the “family” dog.  My late husband had a border collie growing up, and in his mind, that was the ONLY breed to have. I made us wait until I was ready to take care of a dog – I’m not stupid. I knew the dog’s care would eventually fall to me.  I never realized how quickly that would happen.  After our very first dog training session, all 3 “boys” (my husband and C and A) decided it would be far less confusing for this puppy if only one person were taking him to the classes.  [By the way– at the very first class, it became obvious that the dog training is not for the dog but for the OWNER!] Somehow, these 3 managed to be surprised when, after just a few weeks, it was obvious that puppy Rusty had become very attached to ME.  Hmm –I was feeder, trainer, exerciser, and groomer, and this is supposed to be one of the smartest dogs on earth.  Of COURSE he would become attached to me!

When my husband died suddenly almost 12 years ago, I remember thinking “you’ve left me with 2 young boys and a PUPPY! YOU wanted this puppy and where are you NOW?!”   I don’t remember much from those early grief-stricken days, but I do remember times when I would sit on our front porch and just cry by myself… well, sort of by myself.  Rusty was never far from me (just as he is not far from me now). And although I know the saltiness of my tears was the real reason he snuggled and licked my face, it was still very comforting to have someone notice and let me know I was not alone.  Since then, he has been such a part of our family, and several neighbors kids and young relatives consider him to be their dog as well.  With both sons off on their college adventures, I suspect they feel better knowing that I’ve got Rusty (and our younger adopted border mix rescue) with me.  There is still someone to talk to (although my sons tell me that Rusty is losing his hearing as a protective measure against all my chatting) and someone who takes his job very seriously—to look out for me.

I know I have waxed rhapsodic over my dog, and for those who are not dog-lovers, you probably think I’m nuts!   I just know that I am so grateful to have been adopted by this lovely and loving border collie who celebrates his birthday today. And, as one of the bigger tributes to Rusty that I can think of, practically all my nieces, nephews and younger acquaintances will tell me that they plan to have a border collie when they grow up.

On Beyond Zebra - Thoughts on a 50th Birthday

A lifelong Seuss fan, I’ve come to think of my 50^th birthday today in terms of the Seussian classic On Beyond Zebra. As a youngster, 50 feels so far away and (well, let’s face it) nearer to death than to birth.   But, the literary nonsense in On Beyond Zebra reminds us to look beyond the confines of the ordinary alphabet.  I plan to use this birthday to look beyond the confines of my ordinary life.

I’ve met and married (and then suffered the loss of) the love of my life. Both my parents have passed beyond this life as well. I’ve had the pleasure and challenge of being a single parent, raising two kids while keeping a roof over our heads.  At times, I’ve wondered why I am not sitting in the corner, helpless.   I’ve imagined myself as the needy Melanie in Gone with the Wind – the back of my hand pressed against my brow exclaiming “Oh, Ashley” – and waiting for a knight in shining armor to come and rescue me.

If you can envision me in either of those last scenarios – then I am afraid you don’t know me very well.  :)

So, I’m 50.  I run my own business.  I have 2 terrific sons.  I don’t say that mindlessly or facetiously.  I have helped to raise two intelligent, capable and independent-thinking young men.  Now, at times, the independent-thinking part doesn’t seem quite as much fun, but it is important.  They are both embarked on their own paths – pursuing their own interests.  It’s taken me a little while to figure out that it is time to think about my next steps.  Continuing to focus solely on them isn’t good for any of us.  C is a 1L in law school and A is a sophomore working towards his undergrad degree (also thinking about law school).  My relationships with them have changed from need-oriented (although I hope they still need me just a little) to the more adult-parent to adult-child relationship I had hoped for.

I’m 50 already!??  Well, then I better get to it!

I will be attending my first out-of-town software workshop/conference ever in March (InfusionCon here I come!) and another personal workshop later this year in October.  I’ve made some changes in my business that reflect a movement into a new direction, and it already feels “right.” I have arrangements in place so that I can leave my home and dogs for a weekend and (gasp) the world does NOT end. 

So – On Beyond Zebra!  The first one to find a Thnadnus wins!!

Pass the Pickles!

Just a few days after Thanksgiving, I remembered: I love pickles!  I’ve always loved pickles! Even though I haven’t had a pickle in forever (it seems), I love pickles! Juicy, crisp, crunchy dill pickle spears.  When cleaning up from our Thanksgiving feast, somehow all the pickles from the crystal serving dish didn’t get back into their jar.  Making a quick sandwich for lunch one day last week, I spied the pickle dish in the refrigerator and, on the spur of the moment, added one to the plate with my sandwich.

I’ve had a pickle every day for lunch ever since.  How could I have forgotten that I love pickles!

It’s easy.

I've gotten into the habit of setting aside my own favorites for others.  As a mom, I’ve found it difficult sometimes to remember what some of MY favorite restaurants or foods are, some of the favorite things that I like to do.  I mean no offense to my sons – this was my own doing.  I know the preferences of my sons, my in-laws, my friends.  Sometimes, it’s darn near impossible for me to decide what I would like – because my brain is so crowded with all the preferences of others.  My boys will urge me to pick what I want, and I just can’t remember! And, being a good mom (or daughter or friend), you know it really doesn’t make a whole lot of difference whose favorite is chosen.  The joy is in being together.

But, every once in a while, you’ve got to taste that pickle!

As a gift to myself, I have pledged to have more “pickle moments.”

Yesterday, I popped into my local Borders bookstore for no reason. It was wonderful!  I remember how much I loved the smell of the books at the local library when I was a kid.  Reading was a passion with me. We didn’t get to visit the library very often, so the entire experience was often filed away in my memory to enjoy over and over at a later time. Although today’s frenetic pace has invaded most stores, and even bookstores, somehow Borders has managed to re-create that space, where patrons move among the stacks in a generally unhurried manner, and speak in hushed, almost reverent tones.  The strategically placed over-stuffed and comfortable chairs were inviting, and the sound level of Christmas music was just right.  I was successful – I spent over an hour simply soaking up the smells, the quiet music, the comfort of the chair and the old-fashioned feeling of pages under my fingers.  [Don’t worry Borders – I generally make a purchase whenever visiting your store.  Just this time – it was all about the experience.  But, I’ll be back!]

So, during this busy holiday season and beyond, can I recommend you regularly add a “pickle” to your plate?

Organizing - For Who?

Every once in a while, I catch a show called "Clean House" - a lovely little program on Style network that shows families whose lives have been overtaken by clutter and disorganization.  I admit, it's a kind of selfish practice, demonstrating that 1) there ARE people who are far less organized than I am; and 2) the amount of clutter collected by my late mother is not all that unusual.

Of course, during the process, the designer looks at these poor overwhelmed people and asks them, "what is your purpose for this room?" or "what activities do you envision doing in here?"  Such a basic question. Now as I think really hard about my 30 Days of Organizing, I realize there's not such an easy answer.

My youngest son was home from college for a whirlwind visit for the Easter weekend. Of course, it went by all too fast.  But, during the weekend, I realized that although I have done a pretty good job of shifting the purposes and functions of our home for my sons as they've grown, I have not done a good job at all when it comes to me.

Like most people, my life has included its share of challenges over the years.  I married, had kids, suffered the sudden loss of my dad to a stroke, then shortly thereafter suffered the devastating sudden loss of my husband.  I've cared for my newly widowed mom while she was still in her home, and then expanded my home a bit to provide care for her here, through her lung cancer diagnosis and our journey with hospice.  I built a graphic design business based in a home office so I could be "mom first" for our sons, and then added the challenge of developing a Virtual Assistant practice as they grew. My two wonderful sons are now well on their way to adulthood, both off on their own college adventures.

With each of these new challenges - my life, our home, my surroundings, my routine changed.  It changed in whatever manner was needed to make everything work.  By starting my studies with AssistU several years ago, I was already preparing for the change I could see coming -- a life that would (for probably the first time) be focused mainly on my own needs.

So, I followed the "clearning" group last month, but stayed purposefully on the fringes, knowing I had some deeply personal and tough things to work through.  But, by the end of the month of March, I was ready to tackle one of my biggest challenges: the joint closet I shared with my late husband. I often compare his sudden death to living in a snow-globe.  Someone picked up my world, shook it violently and when everything settled again, I looked out upon a vastly different landscape.

So, I delved into the deep recesses of our walk-in closet.  I cried over some things and smiled wistfully at others.  Our local Salvation Army store benefited greatly.  It was so wonderful to look at that sweater I may still fit, but always hated and never wore - and donate it!  I restructured my closet for who I am now.  When I walk in, I see hangers and shelves with items that reflect options appropriate for my life today.  The guilt I feared does not exist - I know I did not "clean out" my husband from my memories or my heart.

Within the next few days, I saw Stacy's posting about the 30 Days of Organizing and knew I was ready to continue this process.  So, for now, as I look around me and decide the next thing to be organized -- I remind myself "I am organizing this for my use" and ask "what activities do I envision for this space" -- realizing this will be as much a mental process as one that will require the physical organizing of spaces.

One of My Closest Friends Turned 12 This Week

Actually, depending on which dog year conversion formula you use, he's probably between 64 and 69.  Thank goodness there is someone in the house who is older than me!

Always a dog person, I smile at the border collie asleep at my feet, aging muzzle and gray hairs around his eyes highlighted by the sunbeam which warms him. He's 12. Wow! Where did the time go? As I've gone through my days this week, I've paid more attention to all the things he has brought to my life.  He's listened to practice business proposals and spoken fears and triumphs.  (Actually, my two sons assert that R is going deaf purely as a defense mechanism now that they are both off at college and there's no one here to talk to anymore!). As I move between my home office and other rooms in my house, R honors the intense herding and guarding instinct of a border collie by never letting me out of his sight.

Probably one of the biggest challenges I face as a Virtual Assistant working from a home office is isolation.  In the last year, I have taken steps to combat that problem.  I joined my local Chamber of Commerce and attend both the monthly lunch meetings and morning coffee gatherings. Another small business owner and I have started a Small Business Initiative (SBI) that also meets monthly. This group is a collection of local business owners who have less than 10 employees. It's an opportunity to gather and share conversation, challenges and triumphs.  After just a few months, I already look forward to those mornings, knowing I will be sitting with others who understand what it's like when you wear all the hats in your business.

I would encourage you to join a business group or two - there are all sorts of groups with different forums and meeting schedules.  You may not find the right fit immediately, but it is worth pursuing. And, don't hesitate to step forward and start a new group if you see the need. I suspect there will be others who will eagerly join you in the new endeavor.

But, on those days when you just can't get out to interact with people face-to-face, I sure hope you have a friend to keep you company in your office - be it dog, cat, goldfish, plant - to hold off that sense of isolation.

31 Days of Self-Care (Day 11 for Me!)

Playing a little bit of catch-up on my blog tonight.

During the last 2 days, I have been in my car alot.  Driving through rural Ohio, abundent sunshine and frigid temperatures, with the soundtrack from Mama Mia! playing at high volume.  I had ample time to let my thoughts wander through a variety of subjects.

But, both days, I happened to be on the road as dusk approached.  And, both days, I had the privilege of witnessing the most impressive of rising full moons.  As it just cleared the horizon, the moon was huge and glowing and beautiful.  Instantly, I couldn't help but think back to a similar moon.  I was just a kid, and we were driving home from my grandmother's home after a visit.  As we rounded a curve, I remember the almost frightening huge moon, visible through the front windshield (I, being the youngest, of course had to sit in the middle of the back seat-yuk!).  I was thinking of that moon from my childhood tonight -- and realized very suddenly that tonight's moon is the very SAME moon I remembered from so many years ago.  Wow, much of my lifetime had passed, wars had been waged, presidencies have come and gone, the world had changed in incredible ways due to technology -- and still this same beautiful moon shines down on the earth.

At times like these, it is difficult not to feel very small and unimportant.

31 Days of Self-Care (Days 6-7 for me!)

Okay, walking the talk of self-care remains a challenge!

It is just before midnight here (eastern time) and I am just finishing up for the day. I really enjoy running my own business(es), however, sometimes my boss can be very demanding! :)

Although scheduling my projects into time blocks is really helping me to stay focused and to recognize those important time blocks set aside for just taking a break, I'm far from cured.  Lots of little things cropped up at the end of my business day, and I knew I would be unable to push them from my mind for the evening.  So, I simply decided to tackle them.

However, I HAVE decided to give myself the morning off tomorrow!  I plan on visiting that bookstore I so enjoyed last week, and I am going to take my morning newspaper and treat myself to breakfast somewhere (without my laptop!). 

I suppose what I'm learning is that the word "self" is just as important as the word "care."  I need to take care of myself in such a way that honors who I am, and accepts the fact that I'm not going to let go of everything right away.  But, I am pleased that it actually occurred to me to spend some time on myself tomorrow morning to sort of make up for the extra hours I was working tonight.

Baby steps...

31 Days of Self-Care (Day 4 for me!)

I'd forgotten what a "real bookstore" smells like.

When I needed to locate a book recommended by several people from my local Small Business Institute group, a friend suggested I check out our local Half Price Books.  Now, I have visited Half Price Books once before -- when I was in a hurry.  I was not impressed.  They didn't have what I needed. I wrote them off.

But, in the spirit of taking more time for myself, I bypassed the more modern local bookstores - with their speedy and efficient computerized searches, their homey seating areas and the adjacent cafe with the fancy coffees and scones - and headed to Half Price Books.

As I stepped inside, the smell of these books -- old books that have been read before, sometimes lovingly re-read and sometimes never finished depending on the whim of the reader -- these books carried me back to a childhood time and memories of infrequent trips to our local library.  My parents did not have much use for books, but I would leisurely browse the aisles, continually borrowing the maximum allowed.  As I have gotten older, gotten busier, used more technology, the simple joy of reading a book has been pushed to the back of my "find time to do" list.  When I do have a moment here or there, it's so easy to just "surf the 'Net."

But, no more.  I admit I was in the store for almost an hour... ...and I didn't make a single purchase.  They didn't have the book I was actually looking for, but I'm looking for so many more now.  And, I've carved another hour out of my schedule next week for a return trip. 

31 Days of Self-Care (Day 3 for Me!)

I was having a pretty good morning, and then a series of negative things crept into my day... nothing major, nothing life-shattering, just "not great" things. By mid-afternoon, I had allowed them to kind of snowball me into a really blue mood.  A friend just happened to call to tell me her hubby was still out of town, she had eaten all the leftovers and asked if I would like to go to dinner.  That gentle contact was all I needed to feel really overwhelmed by all the day's little things.  I was now in a REALLY, REALLY blue mood.

Even as I was giving my usual excuse that I "wouldn't be very good company" -- I knew I could make a different choice.  Thankfully, my friend didn't take my "first no" seriously, and I met her for dinner.  This is the first time in a LONG time (years?) that I have been out to dinner with another adult who is NOT related to me!   I have to admit I was astonished at how many people go out to dinner on a Friday night in our town!!

Home again, and although those negative things still happened today, they are back in perspective.